And then I’m flooded with millions of words (okay, that didn’t last too long) and I don’t know where to start. I wasn’t planning on writing another blog so quickly but then, wow. So many of you took the time to offer support and encouragement, offer medical recommendations, and unfortunately, many of you shared your similar experiences (please see updated prayer list). In the first 12 hours the blog was live, 34 people shared their stories with me (I counted!). Stories of miscarriages, ectopic/chemical pregnancies, infertility, IUI, IVF (some of those to be explained later) and stories of hope and blessings. 34!! People I know! My friends! My family! But also strangers. That doesn’t include the many more I’ve since received. Oh, and my page has been viewed over 4,500!! HOW CRAZY?!?! I’ve even met with some of you in person and had phone conversations to discuss your journey and offer/receive whatever information and guidance I can. This is what this is for. We’re in this together.
The problem is, I think I set the bar a little high for myself. While I hope to be entertaining, I think it’s necessary to also provide education and information. Many of you asked where I am in terms of testing and treatment and I’ve tried to respond to you each individually. It’s a good question. I’m not sure I was ready to share that yet but we’ve all gotten so personal so quickly. So why not? I’ll begin with testing (and I’ll get to the miscarriage and treatments in another post….I’ve got to keep you coming back, right?)
(NOTE: Skip this one long paragraph if you're not interested in information on testing)
In June, the “just go to a doctor already” voice finally beat out the “what’s the rush?” voice in my head and Justin and I went to see a fertility specialist. Truth be told, I left there crying, which isn’t normal for my usually logical self, but we just went from 0-100 in 5 seconds and I wasn’t ready. And because it popped my lovely bubble of denial. We started with testing which includes lots of ongoing blood work, which isn’t easy for fainters like me. But between the miscarriage and treatments, I had to get over that very, very quickly, which worked out well because 1) I work in a hospital and 2) I soon had to start poking myself with needles. After the initial blood work came back fine, I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), in which dye is interested into the fallopian tubes and uterus, and X-ray pictures are taken to see if there are any problems or blockage. Being a feminist (yeah, I said it!), I told myself I could do this alone and insisted Justin not come. It was silly for him to miss another day of work and besides, the doctor simply recommended I take 2 Advil so how bad could it be? OH. MY. G-D! I almost passed out (did you catch when I said I’m a fainter?) but the whole thing lasted 20 seconds tops. I then treated myself to frozen yogurt and shopping because I had the rest of the day off and hey, I deserved it. I also went for a second opinion who suggested a hysteroscopy, given my miscarriage and D&C. In this procedure, they sedate you and insert a camera to take a look around, much like a colonoscopy, I assume. My doctor felt this test was unnecessary but I’ve learned to be a big girl and I insisted she do it anyway, and she did. (She was also getting paid for it) Anyway, it didn’t show anything but at least we really know everything looks good. During my post-op appointment, my doctor actually said “your uterus looks like a warm, homey place.” My response? “Could you please tell my eggs that?”
All in all, despite the multiple blood tests and procedures and ongoing treatment, we’re doing great. I honestly try not to think much about it. It's like any other medical condition - high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. It just becomes part of you. To be honest though, from time to time, I catch myself thinking “why me?”. I try not to ask that and question G-d, but sometimes, I can’t help it. Sometimes, it finds me. For instance, a few weeks ago, there was a news bit titled: "Hippo in LA Zoo has baby while on birth control”. I swear! Google it! A hippo can get pregnant on the pill, and I can’t off it??
I can’t yet answer "why me?", but I do want to quickly share this with you. Someone with breast cancer once asked the same question in a support group of mine and do you another’s response? “Why not you?” Her point was: who said life was easy? Who said you were supposed to live life blissfully without any struggle? Maybe this why you are here. You must have something to give or, you must have something to gain. Your responses showed me it’s important to not compare my life to another. Yes, I may be struggling with infertility but everyone has a story. My journey isn’t more or less difficult than yours, whatever your challenge may be, it’s just different. So it’s okay to ask “why me?” We’re human. That’s normal. But the test is to take life’s tests and channel that into something positive. To change yourself, to improve yourself, to accept yourself. I thank you for allowing me the opportunity to take my struggle and turn it into something helpful- for myself and others. May all of our prayers, whatever they may be for, be answered, and may we all find purpose and strength in our daily challenges.
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